Getting dumped sucks. Dumped may not even be the right word – scarred, broken, lost, confused, pissed off, is more like it. If you ever found yourself dumped then stumped, just know these feelings were felt by someone else – everyone else actually, at one time or another in their lives.
When a relationship ends, good or bad, it's devastatingly hard to move forward. Life seems totally different and you wonder how you will ever feel that passion for another, have exciting conversation, even have good sex like that again.
Luckily here at Good Zing, Personal Coach Christine Young was happy to lend a helping hand (or a handful of Skype calls listening to a blubbering person on the other end of the line). Here's what we learned about breakups, breaking old, bad habits, how to move forward, how to communicate better in the future and mend the most important relationship of all – the one with ourselves.
How to improve your love relationship
There are three sides to every relationship story – yours, theirs and the truth. If you live by the theory, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it", it sounds like you're not really working at the relationship. Therefore, your partner's truth becomes more apparent in their mind, you wallow in your own negative thoughts and the truth stays hidden. If you don’t work at it, nothing will change or happen for the positive. Just like working out or eating healthy, relationships need time and effort and can fall apart just like other routines.
Tolerating red flags pile up and then start to break down. As a first step after a breakup, think along the lines of, “I have a lot more say in my relationships than I think I do. I have my choice.”
How to move on from a breakup
If you feel like it gave you more justification to stay in your comfort zone and not confront your partner when you saw warning signs in your relationship, excuses have become a cushion that make you feel better when you sell out on things. Irrational beliefs keep us in our comfort zone because it’s 'safe'. A good way to stop making excuses for bad behaviour or patterns in any area of our lives is finding evidence to prove the opposite – in other people. Look for examples around you from friends, family, colleagues, where finding love has been fairly simple, easier. You'll soon realise that you don't have to 'settle' and can actually be in a healthier partnership.
It’s ok to not have a 'band aid' at first. Take a minute to be you, then remove the band aid slowly instead of ripping it off. Nutrition, exercise, self love and friends all help. Yes, you will constantly be reminded and yes it will still hurt, but these make up the best combo for easing the pain.
Feeling helpless after a breakup is hard to move on from, but you do have to turn your mind to work for you, make an effort and look out for what you want. Set affirmations for yourself like, “I believe that if I make the effort I will meet quality people.” It's like hiring a defence attorney to question why your thoughts are negative. Prove a new theory to yourself like, "It’s possible to meet somebody of quality fairly easily – it’s not that hard!"
Once you become conscious with a belief, you can start to challenge it and take steps forward. Working on trust and starting to date again might seem a little out of reach at first, but you can begin little projects with yourself. For example, pay attention to who you're attracted to during this transformation. You can get The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman which is a fantastic support system for singletons who are in that phase of nurturing that spark that's slowly coming back inside, building confidence. It's great in uncovering 'languages' we and others possess and teaches you how to communicate better with people in your life depending on their 'language'. You can read more reviews here.
How to become more self aware
1. Be patient
You will NOT feel this way forever. Take it easy on yourself, don't be so critical and believe that you deserve happiness and love in your life.
Let yourself feel the bad. Many people become more lonely at night after a breakup, so keep a notepad on your bedside table. If you feel anxious, sad or angry, use the journal as a form of a 'brain dump'. Writing is an extremely cathartic exercise and can help you understand your feelings in order to heal.
3. Coaching can be more helpful than a best friend
If you find that your friends are supportive but need more of a conversation rather than a sounding board, try talking to a coach. They can help you dig deeper, dive in to discovering your core, and lend solutions to help you.
4. Trust again
You can be sarcastic and annoyed for a bit, but don't let cynicism take residence within you and define you. Learn to trust again, slowly but surely and you'll begin to understand what you really want.
5. Go out
Spend time with close friends, go to a fun exercise class or simply go for a walk outdoors with a good audiobook or music. All of these things lend support for your soul and help refill your cup.
How to communicate effectively
Here are some tips to make your next relationship as healthy as possible by learning how to communicate well, have your partner hear you and really hear what they have inside too:
• Have grace and wisdom in communication
• Frame a conversation first: ask questions rather than saying statements
• Get permission when necessary. Asking a question directly can seem defensive on the other end for the other person. Rather than saying, "What’s wrong with you?" Ask, "I don’t know if I’m right but it seems like something is bothering you, is this true?"
• Take care of the person when you speak to them so that they know there’s something coming but that it’s not an attack
• If it goes badly, it means there’s an accusation in the wording you're creating
Remember, the pain will lessen and you will build up the love, confidence and belief in good. You deserve a positive, happy and healthy life, so start to practice these exercises in order to be the best version of you for yourself and others.
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